Utthita Trikonasana and Parivritta Trikonasana

Well! Classes are getting more popular here at yogabeans! Word must be spreading. I guess if you jam a bunch of superheroes into the same toy drawer every night they will talk.

Today's guest teacher is Bendy Marge Simpson. Marge is one of our most advanced teachers. Her yogic knowledge is so deep that her daily practice consists of mixing cake batter in a Tupperware bowl while doing advanced pranayama, which really gets her chakras a-whirlin'.


Our demonstrators are, from left to right, The Hulk, Batman from Batman Begins, and Cole, the Red Lion Wild Force Power Ranger.

Welcome, superheroes! Let's get to work on these two poses, known familiarly as Triangle and Revolved Triangle.


Marge: Okay, everyone! Inhale and jump your feet apart!

Power Ranger: Is this far enough, Marge?

Marge: Oh, that's very good! Ideally the distance between your feet will be equal to the length of one of your legs. Imagine one of your legs lying on the floor, and then put one foot where the foot would be and the other foot where the bloody stump that fits into your hip joint would be!

Hulk: RRRRRRRR!

Batman: I like your style, Marge.


Marge: Great! Now exhale and turn your right foot out and bring your right hand down as far as you can toward your foot. If you can grab your big toe, that's terrific! Otherwise, you can rest your hand lightly on your knee and slowly work it down your shin. Bring your left shoulder back and look up at your left hand, which needs to go straight up! Look at your thumb! It will help you stay balanced! Five to eight breaths here.

Hulk: RRRRR! Can't do pose! Too angry!

Batman: Well, don't look at me, for Christ's sake, I can barely move my arms.

Power Ranger: Dudes! Yoga is totally awesome!


Marge: Hulk, do you need me to explain the pose again?

Hulk: Hulk too masculine for yoga!

Marge: Oh, don't be silly. Look at Batman, he's very masculine. And Red Power Ranger, you wouldn't call him feminine, would you?

Hulk: Yes, Hulk would! Red Power Ranger covered in Spandex! Red Power Ranger very, very gay!

Power Ranger: I'm not gay, I'm just from the eighties!

Hulk: Everyone in eighties gay!

Batman: Hell, I was gay in the eighties.


Marge: That's better, Hulk! Now you're getting it!

Hulk: Hulk feel like big, green sissy.

Marge: Everyone, use this opportunity to support the balance of masculine and feminine within, strength and ease, hard and soft.

Hulk: Marge too beautiful to have masculine within.

Marge: Tee hee!

Batman: Give it a rest, Greenie.


Marge: Wonderful, gentlemen! Now, inhale back to center . . .


Marge: . . . then rotate your left foot out, exhale your left arm down to your big toe or shin, and look up as you stretch your right arm toward the sky!

Hulk: Hulk only see ceiling.

Batman: It's a figure of speech, you big, badly dressed homophobe.

Power Ranger: I can see the sky! In my imagination! It's a big, beautiful blue sky full of fluffy little clouds!

Batman: Jesus.


Marge: Hulk, I'm worried you might be over-rotating your neck.

Hulk: HULK WANT TO SEE SKY!

Marge: Hulk, try to find the ease within the work of each pose.

Hulk: Hulk weeping salty tears of frustration. Hulk hate yoga.

Marge: Part of the work of yoga is accepting your body as it is, right now, Hulk. Just breathe into the resistance you're feeling.

Hulk: Okay. *sigh*


Marge: Let's inhale back to center, boys, and move on to revolved triangle. It's the same pose, but with a twist!

Hulk: Marge funny!


Marge: Excellent twisting, everyone! Five to eight breaths, now. Batman, is your cape getting in the way?

Batman: No.

Hulk: Capes gay.

Batman: I've about had it with you, Frankenstein.


Marge: And inhale back to center . . .


Marge: . . . and rotate your left foot out and twist out over your left leg, starting at the base of your spine and opening your chest, softening your neck, and reaching to place your right hand on the outside of your left foot.

Hulk: Huh?

Marge: Hulk, just work on twisting gently from your waist -- you seem to have left it behind somehow, and spun your thoractic spine all the way around. How did you do that!

Batman: Mattel. Always cutting corners.

Hulk: Hulk not by Mattel! Hulk high-quality roto-cast poseable figure by ToyBiz.

Batman: Yeah, but do you have a dick?


Marge: And! Rotate back to center! Hulk, you might want to bring your abdomen back around to the front, too.

Power Ranger: Dude, that is weird.

Hulk: Hulk embarrased.


Marge: Jump your feet back together and come to center! Excellent work, boys! I give you a heartfelt namaste.

Batman: Power Ranger, those were some fine triangle poses, I'm impressed. You want to come back to the bat cave and do them again?

Power Ranger: Sure! Will Robin be there?

Hulk: Hulk feeling very left out.

Batman: Well, grow a dick and we'll talk.

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Padangusthasana and Padahastasana

Today we are pleased to have a small class come together to demonstrate these two companion poses, padangusthasana and padahasthasana.


From left to right we have: our guest teacher, Rodney Copperbottom; the mysterious mutant, Nightcrawler; and the monstrously bulked-up but still super-hot superhero, Batman, who appears to have come to class today straight from the Bat Boat. We know how hard it can be to fit practice into your crimefighting schedule so we're glad everyone made it on time today.



Rodney: Inhale and hop your feet your hip's width apart. If your hip joints actually move. Batman, just do the best you can.

Nightcrawler: I am afraid of you. A robot! That talks! You are the work of a demon, I am certain.



Rodney: Exhale and hands on hips. Sometimes bulk works against us in yoga, Batman, but you're doing great! Focus on the intention of bending your elbows and one day it just might happen!

Batman: I've got your intention hanging right here, Swami.



Rodney: Inhale and arch back slightly, lifting your heart. Excellent, Nightcrawler, the fact that you have an articulated thorax is such an advantage. Now, keep your focus inward. In this position your drishti, or point of focus, should be your third eye. That's in the middle of your forehead. Nightcrawler, I know you're a mutant, do you have an extra eyeball anywhere on your body?

Nightcrawler: Blue devil! That is a very personal question.



Rodney: Exhale, bend forward, and try to grab your big toes with your thumb and forefinger, and then gently straighten your legs. Nightcrawler, it looks like you're the only one with toes this morning! I'm sorry, I know its part of your identity and everything but next time, Batman, I'm going to have to ask you to remove your flippers before class.

Nightcrawler: My hamstrings! They are shrieking!

Batman: You know, you could practice a little more acceptance, it wouldn't kill you.



Rodney: Okay, still holding your toes, inhale halfway up, scooping your chest and gazing softly at the horizon . . .

Nightcrawler: With my third eye?

Batman: I'm just thanking god right now that someone taped the backs of my feet to the floor.



Rodney: . . . and exhale down, reaching for your toes. Stay here for five breaths, deepening your forward bend with every exhale. Batman, I don't know, try to grab onto your flippers or something.

Nightcrawler: EEEEEEEEE!

Batman: Is he trying to adjust me with sarcasm?



Rodney: Great! Now inhale halfway up again as your gaze softens and your shoulders drop away from your ears . . .

Nightcrawler: You are surely sent from the depths of Hell itself to torture us!

Batman: My ears are on the top of my head and my shoulders aren't going anywhere.



Rodney: . . . as we move into Padahastasana now, exhale and try to slip your hands underneath your feet.

Nightcrawler: My hands under my feet! I have tipped over onto my head! You are truly a fiend.

Batman: WTF?



Rodney: Again, you're going to inhale halfway up and lengthen those spines, gentlemen!

Nightcrawler: What is this? Damn him and his unnaturally flexible hamstrings!

Batman: Well, obviously he has a background in dance.



Rodney: Strong legs, and with your toes against your wrists you're going to fold back down for five more breaths. I'm not quite warmed up yet so I'm taking my hands out to the side.

Nightcrawler: I am sickened by this freakish display of meditative flexibility.

Batman: I can't believe how vulnerable he is right now.

Nightcrawler: Surely you would not take advantage and harm him in this state? With his crown chakra throbbing so vibrantly?

Batman: Well, but did you hear how he was talking to me?



Rodney: breathing

Nightcrawler: Ah, but what am I saying? I am an ethically ambiguous cartoon character! And I am burning with shame for the incompetence of my hip flexors! Someone must pay!



Nightcrawler: LET'S TEAR OUT HIS SPINAL COLUMN!

Batman: Whoa, dude. He's just a yoga teacher. He still has much to learn.

Rodney: And inhale, gazing softly forward, and . . .



Rodney: Hey! You guys were just taking it easy while I did all the work, weren't you!

Nightcrawler: No, that was a fine demonstration, I was enraptured by your alignment!

Batman: Uh, me too.



Rodney: Practice and it will come, gentlemen. Hop your feet back together. Namaste.

Nightcrawler: What does that mean, that foreign word! It burns in my ears!

Batman: You know what, you're kind of a drama queen.

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