Utkatasana

Karai: "Good morning. I'm Karai, and I'll be teaching your class. I am the highest-ranking member of the Foot Clan, archrivals of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Also, these are my weapons and that's my extra head."


Naruto: "Awesome! I'm Naruto Uzumaki. According to Wikipedia, I'm a loud, hyperactive, adolescent ninja who constantly searches for approval and recognition, as well as to become Hokage, acknowledged as the leader and strongest of all ninja in the village."


Karai: "You may benefit from harnessing the powerful energetic effect of today's pose, then. Today we will be practicing utkatasana, a deep pose that allows you to explore opposing forces as you allow your weight to sink deeply toward the earth while simultaneously letting your heart float lightly toward the sky."


Naruto: "Oh, man, I loves me some physical conundrums."


Playmobil Pirate #5780: "Avast! A yoga class full o' ninjas! That's a sight for sore eyes. Polly! Mr. Peaches! Watch the raft while I join yonder class and try to capture a little prana, hee hee!"


Karai: "Let's begin. Everyone inhale and stretch your arms toward the sky. Pirate, normally we ask everyone to leave their weapons at the door. We are creating a safe place for you to engage with yourself and your fellow yogis."


Pirate: "I'll be thankin' ye to let me hold onto me cutlass, missy. There are terrible monsters about and I wouldn't like to be seein' ye lose that pretty head of yours."

Naruto: "Pssst, dude! She has an extra head."

Pirate: "Arrr, that's some powerful sorcery, by cracky! Ain't ye be fearin' her witchcraft?"

Naruto: "Nah. Well, a little. Okay, she scares the shit out of me. But I'm trying to work through it by breathing into my third chakra."


Karai: "Now, exhale and try to place your hands flat on the floor."

Pirate: "Arrgh! Me back!"

Karai: "You can try bending your knees slightly to take pressure off of your lower back."

Pirate: "Me legs are stiff as two yardarms, lassie, but I'll try directin' me breath to me kidneys. It's the only way!"


Karai: "And continue your vinyasa by arching up, then jumping back into plank, and scooping up into urdhva mukha svanasana."

Naruto: "Dude, do you have any idea what she's talking about?"

Pirate: "Aye, I've been practicing ashtanga yoga for twenty-five years."

Naruto: "TWENTY-FIVE YEARS?! Dude, you've got like four moveable joints in your whole body, what's the point?"

Pirate: "Watch it, laddie. My joints may be stiff but I could snap your neck with my kundalini."


Karai: "Now, with your knees deeply bent as though you're about to sit down, inhale your arms up, bring your hands together, and look at your thumbs."

Pirate: "Bend your knees, boy! Yer lucky to have 'em! And move your elbows together or I'll run ye through with me sword!"


Naruto: "Dude, it's kind of hard to relax and concentrate when someone's threatening to stab you."

Pirate: "Arrgh! Yer finally graspin' the contradictory nature of yoga itself!"

Naruto: "This sucks. Plus, my thighs are on fire."


Pirate: "Five to eight breaths, boy. Mr. Peaches! Yer presence is requested, ye banana-hoarding little beast!"


Pirate: "Mr. Peaches here is a bodhisattva, don't ye know -- a perfectly evolved being who sacrificed nirvana to reincarnate in this form and aid humanity. Taught me everything I know about pranayama, the little imp. So stay in that pose or I'll send him back over here to rip out yer throat."

Naruto: "Man, this is hardcore."


Pirate: "Dum-te-dum-te-dee, a pirate's life for meeee!"


Karai: "Release the pose and exhale forward . . ."

Naruto: "Thank you, God."


Karai: ". . . and go ahead and jump back . . ."


Karai: ". . . vinyasa into downward-facing dog . . ."

Pirate: "Arrgh! The Kraken! Ye vile demon, we meet again!"


Karai: ". . . and come back to standing. Good work."

Pirate: "Mmmph! Mmmph!"


Naruto: "Wow, thanks. That really sucked there for a minute, but now I really feel loose and strong in my arms!"

Karai: "That effect sometimes occurs when the arms have been raised for a short time; bringing them back down lets the blood flow back into them, re-energizing them and preparing them for the next pose."


Naruto: "That's amazing."

Karai: "That's yoga."

Pirate: "What's amazing is that I'm bein' dragged out t'sea and you two are jaw-bonin' about yer arms! Help me, ye navel-gazin' scalliwags!"


Naruto: ""Did you hear something?"

Karai: "No mercy, no power but its own controls it. Panting and snorting like a mad battle steed that has lost its rider, the masterless ocean overruns the globe."

Naruto: "Hey, is that from Moby Dick?"

Karai: "It is."

Pirate: *glub*