Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana

Frozone: "Utthita Hasta Padangusthasana?! What the hell does that mean?

Pokey: "Utthita means 'extended,' hasta means 'hand,' padangustha is 'big toe,' and asana is 'pose' or 'posture.'"

Frozone: "Goddamnit, you're a horse! How do you know that!"

Pokey: "I had spent many years working in public television when Gumby introduced me to Lilias Folan. She changed my life."

Frozone: "Oh. I thought you were going to tell me you were a reincarnated swami or some shit like that."



Pokey: "Let us begin. Exhale and stand with a firm foundation. You have very small feet."

Frozone: "I have small feet? This from a guy with hooves."



Pokey: "You may use me as support for the time being. Now, inhale, place your hands on your hips, and begin to raise your right foot off the floor. Gaze down your nose to the floor and find a point to focus on. This is called a drishti and will help you to remain balanced."

Frozone: "If I shot hot laser beams out of my eyes I might believe that."

Pokey: "Yet it is a soft gaze that will hold you steady. Try it."

Frozone: "Damn, you're one bossy little pony."

Pokey: (giggles) "That is also true."



Frozone: "Shit, my feet are too small."

Pokey: "No, your balance is exquisite, I have seen you at work. But when fighting evil robots you are constantly in motion, sliding on your ice shield."

Frozone: "It's kinda like surfing."

Pokey: "Yes. But it takes a different set of thoughts and muscles to balance while remaining still. While in motion your bearing is relaxed and fluid. That conscious intention will be the same here."

Frozone: "Man! This is hard, little pony."

Pokey: "Too bad, tiny-footed superhero."



Pokey: "Now, exhale and try to touch your chin to your shin."

Frozone: "GAAAAAHHH!"



Pokey: "Allow me to continue assisting you."

Frozone: "Thank you."

Pokey: "Now, if you cannot get your chin to meet your leg . . . "

Frozone: "I think it's pretty goddamn clear that that's not going to happen."

Pokey: ". . . then just come as far forward as you can, holding onto your big toe, slowly closing the distance between them for five breaths."

Frozone: "Little pony, you are asking me to do the impossible!"

Pokey: "With diligence and concentration, even a tortoise may climb downstairs."

Frozone: "Yeah, right! I'd like to see that."



Pokey: "Now, exhale and take your leg off to the side, keeping your hip tucked in and standing straight through your leg and up through your spine. Then change your drishti to a point on the floor on your left side."

Frozone: "Be honest, now, do you think doing yoga will help me score with the ladies?"

Pokey: "Perhaps not if the ladies are aware of the existence of your wife?"



Frozone: "Oh, yeah. Thanks for reminding me, for a minute there the past, present, and future had become one and I couldn't remember which astral plane I was currently inhabiting."

Pokey: "Oh, dear, don't listen to those girls at the front desk: you should not smoke pot before coming to class."

Frozone: "Sorry, Pokey."



Pokey: "Now, exhale and fold forward, chin to shin, for one breath, then let go of your toe, put your hands on your hips, and hold up your leg for five breaths."

Frozone: "Man, I do not have the abdominals for this."

Pokey: "You have the core strength, I believe, but your hip flexors are tight. Do you do a lot of running?"

Frozone: "Does the Pope shit in the woods?"

Pokey: "You will find that consistent attention to your practice will bring this pose to fruition. As you can see . . . "



Pokey: " . . . though some would think me anatomically incapable of doing such a thing, I have been able to achieve some measure of success with this asana."

Frozone: "Well, I'll be dipped."



Pokey: "Allow me to assist you with the other side."

Frozone: "Okay, boss, but don't keep harping on me grabbing my big toe, okay? These booties don't come off unless I take the whole outfit off, and I'm not doing any damn naked yoga."

Pokey: "You may grab the side of your foot for now, but next time I recommend bare feet and a pair of comfortable shorts. Prana makes some nice ones.

Frozone: "Are you trying to slip advertising into your noble teachings?"

Pokey: "Pokey got to get paid, son."



Pokey: "Very nice, keeping the intention of bringing your leg further up, five breaths here."



Pokey: "Now, leg coming out to the side and change your drishti to the right, very good."

Frozone: "You aren't even looking at me! How do you know what I'm doing is very good?"

Pokey: "My pineal gland, in the back of my brain, is actually a rudimentary eyeball."

Frozone: "What are you, some kind of prehistoric lizard in a horse outfit?"

Pokey: "No, I am a simple claymation figurine, but my creator had some interesting views on the evolution of primordial consciousness."

Frozone: "Well, that explains it."



Pokey: "And inhale your leg back to front, exhale and fold forward one last time . . . "



Pokey: " . . . and hands on hips, hold up your leg as high as you can for five breaths."

Frozone: "Tell me why I shouldn't be happy with my leg at this height, what's the point of trying to jack it up to meet my head?"

Pokey: "Your pose is perfect just as it is."

Frozone: "Aw, now, don't go getting all Yoda on me. I know Yoda and you, my little clay friend, are no goddamn Yoda."



Pokey: "And bring your leg down on an exale and you are finished! Good work, superhero. I see a great future for your yoga practice."



Frozone: "Thanks, little clay wizard. My hamstrings are going to hurt like shit tomorrow, aren't they?"

Pokey: "Yes."