Dandasana

Ric Flair : "Good morning everyone, thanks for joining me here today."

Batman: "Aren't you Ric Flair, the former world heavyweight champion wrestler?"

Ric Flair: "I am."

The Wasp: "I adore wrestlers. So virile."

Batman: "I thought Ghost Rider was supposed to teach this class today."

Ric Flair: "Supposedly he had car trouble, but I think he just wanted to spend the weekend at Esalen."

The Wasp: "I adore Esalen. So relaxing."

Ric Flair: "Today we'll be learning dandasana, which in English means "staff pose."

The Wasp: "Does that mean it's a pose for employees only? Ha ha! That's my little joke."

Batman: "Ric, can you teach me how to do a piledriver after this?"

Ric Flair: "I've retired from professional wrestling, I'm afraid, but I'll be teaching pilates at 11:15."

Batman: "Pilates is dumb."

The Wasp: "I adore pilates."

Ric Flair: "Pilates is wonderful for both men and women, Batman. You'd be surprised at the benefits you'd feel after only one class."

Batman: "How about an atomic drop?"


Ric Flair: "Since dandasana is a seated pose, we'll do a vinyasa and then jump through to sitting."

The Wasp: "Of course."

Batman: "I have no idea what you just said."

Ric Flair: "Don't worry, I'll talk you through it! Inhale your arms up and fill your lungs with your deepest breath."

The Wasp: *coughing* "Oh, I'm dying for a cigarette."

Batman: "You smoke?!"

The Wasp: "It's natural, darling, it's from the earth!"

Batman: "Yeah, well, so is uranium."

The Wasp: "Oh, I would never smoke uranium, they use it to make bombs."

Batman: "Oh my GOD."


Ric Flair: "And exhale and bend forward."

The Wasp: "Do I have to? My feet are killing me, these shoes pinch so."

Ric Flair: "Normally we practice yoga in bare feet, it's much more grounding."

The Wasp: "I detest the ground, there's dog poo everywhere! Also, these shoes are permanently molded onto my feet so that even with this short, boyish haircut my femininity is never in question."

Batman: "Femininity is just a social construct built by the patriarchy in order to reinforce women's "otherness" and make it simpler to rationalize male privilege and dominion."

The Wasp: "Yes, darling, and how do you explain those flippers you're wearing? Are you dominating the fish as well?"

Batman: "Okay, whatever."

Ric Flair: "And inhale and arch your back up . . ."

Batman: "Hey, how come I'm the only one bending over?"

The Wasp: "I can't bend, I'm wearing my bulletproof suit."

Batman: "To a YOGA class?"

The Wasp: "Don't laugh, darling, just last week Raven almost had her secret identity revealed by a rogue shiatsu therapist while she was having her energetic body recharged."

Batman: "You people speak an entirely different language than I do."


Ric Flair: "Hey, look! We all jumped through to sitting without me providing a lengthy explanation!"

The Wasp: "The internet, it's just magical."


Ric Flair: "Okay, now, dandasana looks really simple but there's actually a lot going on here. You want to sit up straight with your legs together. Flex your feet and keep them flat as though you're standing on the floor, then engage your leg muscles and roll your thighs gently inward but without going pigeon-toed. Engage and lift your groin, pull your bellybutton toward your spine, expand your chest, let your shoulders drop, and put your hands flat on the floor on either side of your hips. Then, while your spine elongates and reaches up out of the grounding of your hips, relax your neck and tilt your chin down until it rests on your chest."


Batman: "Is he fucking kidding me?"

The Wasp: "Darling, let the pose teach you."

Batman: "You're part of his diabolical scheme, aren't you?"

The Wasp: "I'm far too self-centered to be diabolical. Listen to me: you must direct your energy toward the completed pose, even if you can't do it yet. Work hard and do your best and then LET GO! Let go of your need for results, for perfection, just be in your body."

Batman: "You know, you'd be able to move like a normal human being if that suit were made out of Spandex."

The Wasp: "You're deflecting, Batman. Let your breath fall in love with the shape of your body! Breeeathe."

Batman: *sigh*

The Wasp: "Bigger sighs! Big, cleansing sighs!"

Batman: *SIGH*


Cody Rhodes: "Excuse me, is this the 9:00 a.m. flow class?"

Ric Flair: "No, it's beginning -- hey, you look familiar. What's your name, son?"

Cody Rhodes: "Cody Rhodes, sir, and I -- wait, are you Ric Flair?!"

Ric Flair: "You're Dusty Rhodes' son! What a small world. I used to wrestle against your father!"


Batman: "Need a hand, Ric?"

Ric Flair: "Oh, no thanks, Batman! This is Cody, he's the son of an old friend. Well, actually, a former arch-enemy, but those days are past and we've all grown older and wiser."

Cody Rhodes: "Not by a long shot, old man! My dad may be old and fat but he still has a beef with you and now I'm going to settle the score by drowning you in a pool of your own traitor blood!"


Batman: "Uh, Ric?"

Ric Flair: "Oh, Cody, I can feel the warmth of your heart with my forehead. Don't let it turn cold with hatred for me. My feud with your father is over, we've buried the hatchet."

Cody Rhodes: "No, I dug that hatchet up! And now I'm going to bury it in your brain!"


Ric Flair: "Oh, Cody, your voice is so hoarse. Let me transfer some prana into your throat chakra."

Batman: "Screw that. Tag me, Ric. I'll take care of this clown."


Batman: "Take this, sucker!"

Cody Rhodes: "Are you wearing flippers?"

Batman: "Oh, shit! My hamstring!"


Cody Rhodes: "Ha ha! I have prevailed by kicking both of your weak old man asses! Now I will knock you out with a lethal Cobra Clutch Slam and finish this match!"

The Wasp: "You forgot about me, little boy."

Cody Rhodes: "Wha--? A hot flying fairy?!"

The Wasp: "With KILLER SHOES!"

Whap!

Thud!


Ric Flair: "You were defeated by your own ego today, Cody Rhodes. I hope you learned a lesson here: not that women can fly, but that you can bring your attention to even minor fluctuations of energy in your body and thus sense the intentions of others around you. Also, I want you to know that there's a fall special, if you pay for ten classes you get two extra for free. See Gail at the desk for more details."

Cody Rhodes: "Curse you and your yogic teachings, Ric Flair!"


Ric Flair: "Thanks for your help, Batman."

Batman: "I'm sorry I couldn't do more. I guess my hips are still pretty tight from sitting around the Bat Cave listening to the police scanner day and night."

Ric Flair: "With consistent practice you'll see some surprising changes, not just in your body but in your entire life."

Batman: "Yeah, but I still wish you'd teach me a figure four leglock."


Ric Flair: "There are plenty of other people who could teach you that move. It's funny, I feel as though something's wrong. Did I leave the stove on?"

Batman: "Uh-oh."


Cody Rhodes: "Take that, nature fag!"


Cody Rhodes: "Boo-yah!"

Batman: "You are such a dick."


Cody Rhodes: "If by 'dick' you mean TOTALLY AWESOME, then yes! I am a complete dick!"

Batman: "And why do you apes always hit each other with folding chairs?"


Cody Rhodes: "Because they're emblematic of the cheap, outlaw culture most wrestling fans seek to emulate, motherfucker!"

Batman: "Ouch."


Cody Rhodes: "Whoa, quit sneaking up on me like that, fly lady. You know, just because you're old enough to be my mom doesn't mean we can't get it on."

The Wasp: "Yes, Cody, but I'm afraid we come from different worlds. I am a dazzling socialite superheroine, and you are sexy, brutal trash. Also, as an insect my lifespan is necessarily short. I must sting you and then die without ever having been disabused of the notion that femininity is innate."


The Wasp: "Alas."


Ric Flair: "Please join us again at yogabeans! when we explore the next seated pose in the ashtanga yoga primary series, the four variations on paschimottanasana, the seated forward bend. Woo!"